Hold you close
Skin-to-skin
The best part of the stage we’re in.
To know your home is just right here:
On top of where you were within.
Your world got bigger
And mine did too!
But this little home of skin-to-skin
Brings us back to what we know.
Safety.
So sleep now.
I hold you close
Skin-to-skin
And when it’s finally time for air
When my legs can walk
With purpose and sway
When my body can take more and more with each day
I wrap you in a stretchy sheet of cloth
And bind you to me like an extra limb
Not as little
But still so warm
I hold you close as I putter the house
Slipping you in my jacket when we go ’round the block
Walking you and the doggy makes me feel like before
Only this time I’ve got something much more
Precious in my pocket.
My steps are back
And the weather is warm
Familiar and safe.
So sleep now, little one.
The weather has changed and you’re giggling now
You’re kicking your feet that have not even touched the ground
I didn’t think you’d let me hold you this long
Who said skin-to-skin was just for newborns?
I sold the cloth that you stretched and outgrew
But this sturdy new carrier with its buckles and straps
That you love to grab and hold and suck
Has done the trick
We can make this stick!
With a walk around the block you’re out like a light
My light.
Oh God
Am I enough?
Life is harder and brighter and confronting now
If only you knew
But you don’t need to right now
I’ve got you
You’re safe
So sleep now, little dude.
We’re back in the snow
How did it come so fast?
Christmas is beckoning and the air is wet
I don’t want to teach you about Santa quite yet
(If at all.)
I don’t want you to think you’re anything but good in your soul
I don’t want to you to fear a stocking full of coal
Or think that life
When it deals you unimaginable shit
Is your fault –
It’s not!
It’s quite the opposite.
It’s a part of life
We learn and grow from it
I see your emotions growing even more now
You’re sad when I lay you down for a change
Why is this room suddenly so bright, anyways?
You’re stuck, you’re impatient, distracted, who knows?
You love to be held wherever I go
You can play with a block or a bowl or a book
Like you’re reading the pages
Oh that beautiful brain!
That sucks everything in and molds to our touch
I still carry you when we are out and about
And when you see that carrier you know it’s time for a nap
So we walk with the doggy
And we do our laps
My body is sturdier, you’ve made me grow strong
And as we near the house and you stir in your sleep
I think to myself, how much longer can I keep
This moment with you?
Moments, I confess, I wish would pass faster
So I can get back to earning more money
(Oh the lonely life of an actor!)
Or showering more frequently
Without fear of waking the baby
See, we don’t live near too much family
It wasn’t meant to be this way.
You should be raised with a village, so we’re working on it
One day we’ll sell this house and find a new home
Closer to aunties and uncles and cousins for siblings
Cuz “home” has a new meaning now.
There’s still so much I’m trying to figure out
Like how to rid my heart full of doubt
That visits me every Christmas
Am I enough?
These worries aren’t yours.
I hope to purge them like old shoes
So that you never have to see them or hold them or wear them like I do
Right now you’re so big and so small
And you sleep with such ease
On my chest.
You’ll be out for two hours now
You’re peaceful and sweet
I want to give you everything
And I want to protect
That joy which you wake with each day
Am I enough?
And what will I do when you outgrow this carrier?
FUCK.
When I can no longer hold you to sleep
Or worse
When I am unable to because my arms will give out
You’re so freaking heavy now
You’ll have to find your own way of rocking yourself to sleep, somehow.
You won’t need me one day
Not to sound so dramatic
But you will be off to explore the world
Just think about it:
You’ll love someone the way that only you do
Oh to be loved by someone who fits you in a way that I don’t!
Because life is abundant
I mean look, it gave me you!
My bundle in a carrier that was once a perfect fit
But now you’re nearing the age and weight limit
I am just so deep in it all
Can’t see past my own nose
But my body keeps the score
It knows how to heal
And it will learn how to heal when you’re off running away.
They say this is the longest heartbreak I’ll ever know
And the greatest love of my life
And when I’m fighting you on naps
And wish I could just put you in the carrier and go for a walk
It will suck.
It will suck so much.
But who knows?
Maybe the new person you will become
Will tell me in his own words
How else to see the world
And remind me of what always has mattered.
Skin-to-skin
Nose-to-nose
Hand-in-hand
A hug and a kiss
Embrace me as the world will embrace you.
But for now …
Go to sleep, my son
And I can’t wait to hug you
When you wake up.
– Love Mom.
